straw poll

[rising_moon]

If friends of yours issue an open invitation to some event or activity that they think is fun, and you choose not to participate because you're not interested, do you feel left out anyway?

If so: Is it worse, the feeling of being left out, if you can still see them, right over there, having fun doing something that you don't enjoy?

EDIT (for slyppi, who asked, but also for anyone who's curious): I'm unscientifically gathering some data to help me solidify an opinion about a recent discussion. One corner of the discussion dealt with inclusion. It's really, really helpful to see what folks are writing about feelings of inclusion. Thank you for answering!

Comments

[metahacker.livejournal.com]

1. Kinda yeah. Depends on what it is, and who they are, phase of moon, etc.

2. It's not worse if I can see them. If I can see them I'll either be effectively hanging out with them while they're doing it (but not participating), or actually ignoring them.

[hfcougar.livejournal.com]

It depends on how badly I wanted to spend time with those particular friends at that particular time. I often feel left out because of having to make the choice between not spending time with them, or doing something I don't enjoy.

(In fact, sometimes I feel left out even if I choose to do the thing I don't enjoy and am still right there with them... It's hard to explain.)

[lanome.livejournal.com]

1) Absolutely. Especially when afterwards everyone is talking about the great time they had, and I just have to keep repeating to myself, "That's not my kind of thing. I would have been unhappy."

Not sure about the if so bit.

[marysdress.livejournal.com]

Is all that's involved interest? (As opposed to money, skill, no fear of heights because a bungee cord and tall bridge is involved... ;-))

[rising-moon.livejournal.com]

All that's involved is interest. And you yourself are totally welcome to participate, it's just not your cup of tea. Somewhere north of meh and south of squick.

[marysdress.livejournal.com]

Then I wouldn't feel left out.

[vairavi.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but I also get over it pretty fast.

I guess it depends on what I've chosen to do instead :) I've had a couple of nights where I walked by the goth club on my way to see a show and given everyone out smoking a wave and a smile and been glad I wasn't standing around hating the music and wishing I were wearing comfortable shoes.

[slyppi.livejournal.com]

If: Often, depending on my mood and what else I'm doing instead.

If so: Always--if I do feel left out even though I'm not interested, watching what I'm left out of always makes it worse.

Why do you ask?

David Byrne

[cristovau.livejournal.com]

I recall reading a biography of The Talking Heads and in it David Byrne is quoted as saying something like, "No matter where you are, there's a better party happening somewhere else." (I'm deeply misquoting him here)

I haven't done much research into this, but I'll take his word for it. I understand the phrase as a consolation that ideal amusement is unattainable, and a challenge to be the master of your own entertainment.

In other words, yeah it kinda sucks, but I get over it because I'm ultimately responsible for my own fun.

[goldsquare.livejournal.com]

If I am welcome, I do not feel left out - in anticipation.

Afterwards if "everybody" talks about the good time they had, I can feel a little "left out", but not excluded.

[peregrinning.livejournal.com]

Is there a difference between participation and spectating? Can you watch without being a part of it?

I have practiced the art of enjoying watching people doing things I don't enjoy, and saying "no thanks" when they try to cajole me into participating.

I find that I feel included by watching, gabbing, kibbitzing, etc., even if I don't participate.

There are folks who come to our weekly "Fat Friday" gatherings at work, and don't eat any of the food, and don't provide food as part of the rota of who brings it this week. They enjoy the camaraderie, but they don't participate in the eats.

So far, there isn't anyone in the small cubicle farm in the room we gather in who doesn't join the party.

So, I guess I'm saying that I don't see non-participation and inclusion as mutually exclusive. I'd wander over to watch, while avoiding actually participating.

Of course, if it were more towards the squick factor, I'd find a way to avoid being withink eye- and ear-shot of the activity.

[herooftheage.livejournal.com]

No, I don't, because when I made the choice about not participating, I already factored in how much I just want to be part of the social matrix - if it had been high enough that I'd have felt left out, I'd have done something with the activity.

[siderea]

I'm like this too. Though I'll observe it's so unlikely for me to feel left out, it rarely happens that I need to factor that in. But if I think there's a chance of that, well, maybe I do something I don't think I'm interested in to be with the people I am interested in. And I have to say, tagging along with interesting people doing questionably interesting things has been pleasantly broadening.

That said, while I don't feel left out, but I might be a bit bummed if a group of my friends get really involved in doing something which I find boring (and which made them boring to be around) all the time, and as such aren't as available to do things I think are fun too. As a hypothetical, if a bunch of my friends went off to do hard drugs together regularly, I wouldn't feel left out, but I'd feel quite disappointed at their concomitant lack of availability, and maybe even a bit abandoned.

[gyzki.livejournal.com]

Imprimis: If the invitation were truly open (or close enough to fool me), I wouldn't feel "left out" in any sense that they're excluding me. I might feel a twinge of regret that they'll be having fun without me, but I won't resent them for it, and if I'm clever I'll try to suggest something else that I will enjoy for next time.

Secundus: No, I think that if I can see my friends doing something I'm not interested in, then I can either spectate or wander off, depending on how very uninterested I am. There's still no resentment, and even less regret.

[cat9.livejournal.com]

I think that having been invited weould make me feel included and appreciated, so I wouldn't feel left out. Especially if there's the chance of a nap ;)

I don't think having them around would make me feel more left out - in fact, it would be preferable, because they'd be, you know, around. It does not make me sad to be around people having a good time, if that makes any sense...

[catness.livejournal.com]

To the first... no, not so much.

To the second... the first kind of negates this. :)

However, I definitely do not share a lot of social characteristics with those of one of my obvious peer groups. Some people who do not always play well with others often wish they did; I don't have much investment in it.

bringing up the rear, here...

[pamelina.livejournal.com]

I rarely pass on an activity to which I'm invited by friends. Even when I'm uninterested in the activity, I'm interested in the friends. So if I chose to skip something, I would not fell left out.

And I would feel less left out (if feeling less left out of something you don't feel left out of to begin with is a possibility) if I could watch while doing something else I do enjoy.